Clicking Together

Clicking Together

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.  George Bernard Shaw 

Unmet expectations are the source of all conflicts. It's true between patients and their health care providers, sales professionals and their clients, educators and their students, parents and their children, husbands and wives.  It typically starts with small misunderstandings, escalates to arguments, breaks down relationships - collapsing the possibility of understanding and partnership.  Too often the downward spiral begins, not in the tyrannical actions of someone else, but in our own inability to communicate clearly and effectively what we expect.

As a child recovering from burns, I spent the first several weeks in hospital totally cutoff from others as my eyes were swollen shut, my voice muted by the respirator forcing oxygen into my damaged lungs, my arms and legs tied down to the bed to lessen the contractures.  After several weeks, the swelling lessened (allowing my vision to return), but the respirator continued pumping (keeping my voice silenced). 

I was nine years old, in intense pain, sad and afraid, and couldn't communicate with my parents or nurses.  If you can't speak, you can't write, you can't move, and you can't even nod your head, how do you communicate with others?  This was one of our challenges.

The technique we used was tongue clicking. (No, not the sophisticated African language of clicking and hissing, but a M-U-C-H simpler form of communication!).  One click meant "yes;" two clicks meant "no."  After mastering that language, a more complicated letter-board was introduced to facilitate communication. 

Here's how it worked: My parents would hold a small board with the alphabet on it, move their finger through the letters, and I would click when they got to the first letter of the word I wanted to spell.  Then we would do the same for the second letter.  And the third.  (Experiment: try this tonight and watch how long it takes to spell words and sentences.  For extra credit: do it lying down, with your eyes half-swollen shut, in the worst pain of your life, floating on morphine, at the educational level and mentality of a terrible spelling child!)  Needless to say, we had some miscommunication.

In every interaction using that board, I knew exactly what I was trying to get across.  But my Mom would go past the letter - and we'd have to start over; my Dad would go too slow - and we'd never get anywhere; my nurses would misunderstand what I wanted.  In every case frustration, tears and anger would set in. 

My friends, each of has some of that same child in us today.   We know what we are trying to communicate to our patients, children, shareholders, clients, and spouses. We know what we want from them. We know what we expect.  And we can't fathom what is wrong with them when they get it wrong. 

Today, when these breakdowns start blowing up around you professionally and personally, rather than getting frustrated and angry, consider getting clear and effective.  Make sure others actually understand your needs, desires, expectations and commitments.....Make sure YOU actually understand your needs, desires, expectations and commitments. 

The biggest problem is sometimes "the illusion" that we even told them what we expected.  

John O'Leary | RisingAbove
Ignite Life | Fulfill Potential | Impact Others 

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Playing Your Music

Playing Your Music

"Love is the fuel that overcomes the fear of penalty and moves the obligation of duty into opportunity to serve others. Love is energizing and love never ends."   Edie Varley

There is a singular attribute that permits individuals, families, and organizations to overcome adversity, grow together through it, and reveal to the rest of us what significance really is.  Certainly characteristics like determination, willpower, diligence, vision, and courage play important roles.  Beneath those brawny traits, though, exists the common denominator freeing the others to flourish: Love.  Love transforms the individual into an alchemist able to transform brokenness into unity, despair into hope, and deficiency into perfection.  Love allows us to rise above our challenges - and it frees others to rise above theirs, too.

 

Patrick Henry Hughes understands the power of love.  He entered this world with more challenges than most.  Born without eyes, and with arms and legs that would never fully function, Patrick was destined to spend his life in total darkness.  He'd spend his life, seemingly, unable to significantly contribute or live a normal life. 

 

Striving for 'normal,' however, is the greatest roadblock to change, to significance.  Fitting in and being like everyone else means we'll never play the music we're intended to play.  Patrick never cared about being normal. He cared much more about loving his many gifts, loving his passion for music, and loving the life that is perfectly his own.

From a young age Patrick enjoyed a deep love of music.  Although unable to see or walk, he learned to play the piano; by age TWO he was taking requests!  He steadily improved on both the piano and trumpet to such a degree that he was invited to be part of the University of Louisville marching band!

But how could a wheelchair bound, blind trumpet player possibly join a marching band?  You see, this isn't just about the love a young man to play his music perfectly, but also the story of a father's love that allows his son to shine.       

 

Patrick's dad loves his son.  His Dad, Patrick John, encouraged him to chase the musical dream, to continually grow as a person, to never make excuses, and when the opportunity came to join a university marching band, to chase that dream too.  Dad works the night shift in order to go to class with Patrick, help take notes, take him to daily practice for the marching band, and push the wheelchair that allows him to march instep with the rest of the band.  Dad doesn't sleep much (in fact, I have NO idea when he sleeps!), but love allows each of us to discover strength we never knew we possessed, ability to impact we never knew we had, and the potential to change the world only available to those who are aware enough of who they are that they become able to serve others with all they have.

 

Today, as you move toward the end of your day, the week and the year, take a moment is reminding yourself who the individuals you love are.  Think of the moments in your day and through your work when you find meaning.  Consider the opportunities available to you to serve, be more engaged, and do even more through your life - through your love. 

It is through love that you not only accept the instruments you've been given, but choose to play them as perfectly as you can.  In the orchestra of life, it is less about which instruments you're given (or dwelling on the ones you may not have received) and much more about what music you choose to make with them.  

 

John O'Leary |www.RisingAbove.com

 Ignite Life. Impact Others. Fulfill Potential.

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Morning Light

Morning Light

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. ~Kahlil Gibran

This past February's newsletter focused on awakening bravery, encouragement, and endurance as we face adversity. It reminded us of the power of the human spirit to fight and an individual's opportunity to always choose their own attitude. One of the stories I shared was about my father-in-law's recent diagnosis of cancer and his decision to battle it. Yesterday, after a five month struggle, being held by his wife, touched and encouraged by his children, and surrounded by his siblings and family, my father-in-law Joe lost his fight and was called home.

 

Joe loved his family. He adored his bride of 37 years, he loved his two girls and his two boys, he remained extremely close with his large family and he cherished his many friendships. His eyes always sparkled when family would come to his house - and never did they sparkle brighter than when he saw one of his five grandchildren. He so loved them. He was a simple man who wisely understood that joy is found in relationships - not things.

 

We've received incredible support throughout, but in recalling some specific individuals, it occurred to me that many who gave shared something in common: each had endured their own burning experiences. Just a few examples would include: the aunt who offered to sit with Joe during the night had recently lost her own sister and still felt that pain; a voicemail I received from someone in tears sharing his prayers for our family came from a good friend who recently lost his own mother to cancer; the prayer club that formed among Beth's girl friends was initiated by a friend who mother's also had cancer; the woman who thoughtfully demanded to take the kids when we needed a break endured a very difficult divorce; the friend of Joe and Mary's (my father and mother-in-law) who was their constant companion through chemo therapy, radiation treatments and as he slipped in and out of coma was a man who worked as a nurse with sick kids.

 

Through their own experiences of suffering each became empowered to serve selflessly, act courageously, impact deeply and love more fully.

Our family has discovered so much through Joe's entire fight. We've been reminded of the importance of faith, the joy of friends, the gift of family, the delight and innocence of children, the healing in humor, the truth that shared suffering is joy, the power of the human spirit to endure, the value of celebrating each and every moment with loved ones, the importance of reaching out and doing something for those who are in pain, and the absolute necessity of not hesitating or waiting to tell others that you love them.

 

Today we ache. We are exhausted and heartbroken and upset. This pain will remain with us. There are, however, two truths that grow from the seeds of this great loss. The first is the vivid reminder that the path of compassion is paved in painful experiences. It is only from loss that springs forth the ability to suffer with others, serve them better, and love them more purely.

 

The second is that we have faith this isn't the end of Joe's story. The light that we mourn as dusk setting over our horizon is the same light being celebrated as dawn appearing on a different horizon. As we weep the fading light saying, "we'll miss you, Joe" there are others celebrating the morning light saying, "welcome home, Joe."

 

John O'Leary | RisingAbove

Ignite Life | Fulfill Potential | Impact Others

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The Light within Darkness

The Light within Darkness
**originally written on January 29, 2010**

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. Carl Jung

It is said that we are constantly moving into a challenging storm of life, struggling through one currently, or just coming through one.  And as negative as this may sound, it conversely suggests that we are moving into a beautiful time in life, are enjoying one currently, or are just completing the celebration of one.  The darkness and brightness of life, then, are just two opposite ways of seeing the same event.  

 
As bright as life has been recently, I often find myself peaking toward the shadows wondering, "What will I do then?"  Unfortunately, we don't need to wonder very long as the shadows creep into all of our lives occasionally.  The last two weeks have served as a painful reminder of that truth.

 
Two weeks ago my day began with the rush to catch a flight.  Upon landing there was news of an earthquake in Haiti. By the end of the day it was revealed that several hundred thousand people were feared dead; millions more in suffering, homeless, broken. The human pain there is unimaginable; the sense of hopelessness overwhelming.  

More close to home, a few days after the quake a friend from high school was rocked through the death of his daughter.  This sweet little one was almost a year old and had battled leukemia bravely since her birth.  It was a huge loss for the family and all who love them. 
Later that day we received news that my wife's father, Joe, likely has cancer.  By the end of the week he had been diagnosed with stage four pancreatic, liver and colon cancer.  It remains stunning, saddening news. 

There were many more significant tragedies from the previous couple of weeks, but as I see you are about to leave the computer, proceed to the window, and jump - I'll stop and come to the point.  Through these tragedies, somehow, there remain glimmers of hope.  The great majority of the Haitian people have united and worked together, there have been amazing stories of valor and courage, there exists the possibility that through this catastrophe the poorest nation in this hemisphere may follow the example of the phoenix and rise from the ashes.  The death of that baby girl has united a family, a church and a community in sadness - and love.  My father-in-law's cancer has brought about the celebration of life: his family is united around him, he is soaking in the moments with his grandchildren, and tonight hundreds of his friends and family gather for a prayer service - not only asking for a miracle of healing, but celebrating the miracle of life that already has been gifted to Joe.     

Like you, I have responsibilities at work, at home and in the community.  Like you, I am busy and have many pulls on my time.  Like you, I sometimes struggle just staying above the water.  Tonight though, I am reminded of the fragility of life and the common bonds that sustain us and offer meaning:  our desire to love and be loved; our need to be part of something bigger than ourselves; our desire to be appreciated and remembered; our ability to rise up and fight, our joy found in the presence of a good friend, and our amazing gift extended to each of us to choose, moment by moment to step toward a life bigger, better and more meaningful than anything we dreamed possible.

Today, I am reminded that life is remarkably beautiful, dreadfully sad, totally deficient, and, somehow, entirely perfect.  It is, my friends, only in the darkness of life that our eyes are permitted to see what they too often miss in the light. 

John O'Leary | RisingAbove
Ignite Life | Fulfill Potential | Impact Others

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